Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing Season Uno
by Yarthayaj'knaushtavdhladleklwa
Summary: Based off of the Adult Swim gross-out comedy Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! Candace and Stacy star in a comedic fanfic series featuring surrealistic and often satirical humor, public-access television–style musical acts, bizarre faux-commercials, and editing and special effects. Ratings T to M.
1. Episode 1: Moms (Pilot)

**Pilot: "Moms" Candace's Mom (Linda) sends Stacy a gift basket wishing her luck on the new show. Natalie and V-Gal square off in a conkers championship. Dr. Julie Kreebs (Jenny Brown) reports on fruits and vegetables. Jamie (Candace Flynn) and her Sister (Stacy Stacy) perform "Time Travel" on The Aunt Tulips (Charlene Doofenshmirtz) Variety Hour. Candace and Stacy revive the old "Waiting Room" sketch. A new Ichitech toy, "F'ack", is advertised. Candace makes a call to pest control about her bees and her disappointing brother, Pestey Cyde-McClam (Phineas Flynn)**.

* * *

(We begin with a picture of a Man and Woman together)

Narrator: Rakkaus (Finnish for "Love", along with the subtitle "Love")

(We then see a picture of a Man and Woman holding an axe)

Narrator: Rakastava (Finnish for "Loving")

(Picture of a man holding a woman's hand)

Narrator: Rakastaja (Finnish for "Lovers")

Narrator: Rakastava Pari (Finnish for "A Loving Couple", accompanied by the English subtitle "How to Make Love without Touching)

(A freakish cthulhulike being called a lootie appears)

* * *

(We begin with a picture of a Man and Woman together

(The Title Sequence for Candace and Stacy Epic Program Amazing Thing plays)

(We see Candace and Stacy in front of a green screen. Candace is wearing a long T-Shirt with leggings and boots, while Stacy is wearing a tank top, shorts, and thighhigh socks. Stacy walks onto the set with a microphone on a collar attached to her neck, which Candace is wearing as well. The green screen then projects a picture of a hallway)

Candace: uh, Hi. My name is...my name is Candace Flynn.

Stacy: My name is Stacy Hirano. wel...(the camera tilts, and Stacy goes over to check it out. As she does so, the screen goes to a test pattern with the words Epic Program. We then return to Stacy's face, then Candace's. Candace grins.)

Candace: Uh, we have some awesome news here, (someone hands her a gift basket) I've got a gift basket from my mom here, saying congratulations on the new show and everything.

Stacy: Sweet.

Candace: It's got a letter on it right here. Let's read what it says here...(opens the letter, looks at Stacy) "Dear Candace, (looks at camera) please tell Stacy that we're so very proud her and think she's very talented (shot of Stacy's face). We love her very much. (Back to Candace's face) Pass along our best wishes. (Looks offput) Love, mom. Kay, well (Stacy reaches out to get the basket) alright. (Stacy puts her hands on the basket) Just hold it here... (gives it to Stacy) kay...

* * *

(Next Sketch: EXTREME CONKERS!)

Narrator: V-GAL VS. NATALIE! V-GAL!

(V-Gal is portrated by Candace Flynn)

(Stats on V-Gal appear. V-Gal is wearing a fedora, a short-sleeve t-shirt over a long sleeve t-shirt and skinny jeans with converse. Her hair is in a ponytail)

V-Gal's Stats

Height: 5' 8"

Weight: 120 lbs

Hair Color: Red

Hobbies: Fossil collecting

Special Extreme Conker Move: Orb Weaver

Narrator: V-Gal! V-Gal is short for Vegan-Gal.

(Natalie is portrayed by Stacy Hirano)

(Stats on Natalie appear. Natalie is wearing a pickelhaube helmet, a chili pepper t-shirt, a skort and sneakers. Her hair is done up as a side ponytail)

Natalie's Stats

Height: 5' 1"

Weight: 101 lbs

Hair Color: Black

Hobbies: Ferrets

Special Extreme Conker Move: The Pendulum

(Caption says "'Good Luck, honey!'-Natalie's Mom)

Narrator: NATALIE! OH YEAH! LET'S BEGIN! GO!

(V-Gal lets her conker go, hitting Natalie's conker, but doesn't break it. Natalie responds in kind, and this repeats for a few minutes)

V-Gal: C'mon! Damn! Hit it...C'mon...

Natalie: You can do this, Nat...hit it! C'mon...

(V-Gal makes her conker do a waving motion, catching Natalie's conker on the side)

Narrator: THE ANGRY VINE!

(V-Gal makes her conker do a swirling motion)

Narrator: DOUBLE POINTS FOR A TYPHOON!

(V-Gal makes her conker do a whiplike motion)

Narrator: OH, SHE'S CHOSEN THE WHIPLASH! RADICAL!

(V-Gal has a total of 10,260 points)

(Natalie begins to show some conker moves of her own. She makes her conker do a twisting move that tapers down to a drop)

Narrator: OH YEAH! THE THUMB THRUSTER!

(Natalie makes her conker do a swivel motion that makes V-Gal's conker fly straight up in the air)

Narrator: OH YEAH! DANNY BOY!

(Natalie makes her conker do a swivel motion in a manner that it swivels midway)

Narrator: THE SWIZZLER! UNPRECEDENTED!

(However, Natalie's conker breaks off in the process) (buzzer)

Narrator: MINUS 300 POINTS!

(V-Gal does a victory lap, while Natalie passively aggresively claps)

Narrator: OH! THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

(We zoom into Natalie's mouth, where we see the Lootie again. The Lootie screams)

* * *

(A logo with the words "The Only Known Married News Team" spins into view"

Narrator: And now, the only known married news team in the Tri-State Area: Victoria and Charles Hammerberg!

(Picture of Victoria and Charles [portrayed by Candace and Stacy] appears)

Narrator: ...with special news correspondent Julie Kreebs (portrayed by Jenny Brown)

(The screen then goes to a shot of Dr. Kreebs in an apron with some empty baskets. Her hair is in a ponytail and she wears horn-rimmed glasses. She hesitates for a moment)

Dr. Kreebs: (whispering) I'm not ready. I'm not ready yet.

(Cut to the Channel 8 logo for a few seconds)

(Cut to the Hammerbergs talking to each other lovingly and singing The Zelda theme by SOAD. Mr. Hammerberg wears a normal news outfit and has a mustache, while Mrs. Hammerberg wears normal news attire as well. She has her hair in a bun)

Hammerbergs:...Link has come to town. He's come to save the prin...(lights cut back on)

Director: We're live.

(The Hammerbergs look into the camera, then the screen cuts once more to the Channel 8 logo briefly)

(Cuts back to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: I'm not ready.

(Cuts back to the Channel 8 logo)

(Cuts to Mr. Hammerberg (Stacy Hirano) talking into a headset)

Mr. Hammerberg: Thank you, Julie.

Mrs. Hammerberg (Candace Flynn): (offscreen) Somebody, please tell her we're live.

(Mrs. Hammerberg appears on screen)

Mrs. Hammerberg: Julie, back to you.

Mr. Hammerberg: Julie Kreebs.

(Cuts to the Channel 8 Logo)

Dr. Kreebs: (silence)

Mrs. Hammerberg: (offscreen) Julie. Julie, just improvise.

Dr. Kreebs: I dunno what to say. (technician walks in front of the camera) I'm sorry, but we're not ready yet, Vicky and Charlie. We' don't have the fruit.

(Cuts to "CAM 3 STANDBY STUDIO A FEED")

(Cuts back to the Hammerbergs)

Mrs. Hammerberg: I dunno, uh...we don't see...uh, we don't know it's...

(Cuts back to the Channel 8 logo)

(Cuts back to a technician giving Dr. Kreebs her fruit)

Dr. Kreebs: There you are! There he is! Anyway, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, your green grocer. Let's talk fruits and veggies. (looks at bag) What do we have here? (Holds up banana, while a caption, "Bananas: Great source of calcium", appears on screen) You've gotta be an idiot to not know what this is. (hesitates) It's a squash! (holds up a potato) Honestly, I have no idea what this is. (hesitates) I didn't ask for this. (holds up an apple) This is an old standby. The good ol' apple. This time of year is just right for apple harvesting! Apples are good for your health, they're good for your body. I'm Dr. Kreebs for your body. Eat up! (Takes a bite out of the apple, but suddenly spits it out) UGH! (spits) A caterpillar! (hacks up spit)

Mrs. Hammerberg: Well, Charlie doesn't like apples. (grabs his shoulder) But he's strong, isn't he?

Mr. Hammerberg: (does some brrrrt noises)

(cuts back to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: Tastes like crap! No. It's bad! These are rotten apples.

(cuts back to Mrs. Hammerberg, who has a look of disgust on her face)

(cuts back to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, your green grocer. FOR YOUR BODY!

(camera pans out to a frame of Dr. Kreebs)

* * *

(cuts to "Aunt Tulips' Variety Hour")

(cuts to a girl [portrayed by Candace] wearing a sweater and a long skirt with her hair in four pigtails. Her name is Jamie. She appears to suffer from some form of seizures and exscema. She begins singing)

Jamie:

(Caption: Jamie and her Sister, "Time Travel")

If I...(hesitates)

(Her Sister [portrayed by Stacy] appears dressed in a dalek-like outfit)

If I could travel in time,

sometime I travel through the air.

Of all of mankind.

And there I find a sister of mine.

We travel through space, (visual effects make it appear as if Jamie's sister blasts off into space)

On her special ship.

(shows her sister in space)

We pass through the stars,

And a lover of Earth,

(the music begins to stall, and Jamie begins to have seizures)

Jamie: AGH! UGH! GAUGH! (becomes nauseous, tries to keep from vomiting, but fails) Ugh! ahhhhh!

(Her sister shakes her head.)

Jamie: (is just about to vomit, when the screen cuts back to "Aunt Tulips' Variety Hour".

* * *

(cuts back to Extreme Conkers)

Narrator: FIGHT!

(V-Gal swings her conker to almost impossible heights (as high as a 3 storey building)

Narrator: RADICAL!

(V-Gal begins lure an orb weaver spider out of its tank)

Narrator: ORB WEAVER! 20,000 POINTS!

(V-Gal's conker comes back down to Earth.)

Narrator: TIME TO CARB UP, LADIES!

(Shows the two girls eating bread)

Narrator: FINAL ROUND!

(Natalie responds by making her conker swing in a loop-de-loop around the same height as V-Gal's)

Narrator: LAZY MONDAY! 200 POINTS!

(Natalie then makes her conker move back and fourth, like a pendulum)

Narrator: THE PENDULUM! 1,000 POINTS!

(V-Gal is amazed)

(Natalie makes her conker orbit her head)

Narrator: THE SOLAR SYSTEM! 10,000 POINTS!

(Natalie manages to crack V-Gal's conker)

Narrator: AMAZING!

(Natalie jumps for joy)

Narrator: NATALIE WINS!

(We then see a forlorn V-Gal walking down the street)

V-Gal: Dammit... (kicks a garbage can over)

(V-Gal sits on a bench)

V-Gal: Dammit. (Throws a can in anger) (sigh) Dammit.

Narrator: AMAZING!

* * *

(cuts back to Candace and Stacy in front of the green screen where Stacy investigates the camera falling over in slow motion)

* * *

(cuts to "Kreebs' Advice")

Narrator: It's Kreebs' Advice with Channel 8's Dr. Julie Kreebs.

(cuts to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: Hello, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs. Do you know what you're supposed to do when you catch fire? Stop, drop and roll! For your body.

(cuts back to Kreebs' Advice card)

* * *

(cuts to Stacy in her pajamas standing in what appears to be an elevator door)

(3:34 AM)

Stacy: I just wish we could think up something funny.

(The Old Waiting Room Sketch)

Stacy: OW!

Candace: Just hold up a minute, I'll check with the doctor. (makes typing sounds), Let's see, the answer to your question is you're not sick.

Stacy: Well I've just come up three flights of stairs, the elevator's out, OW! (puts hand on her stomach) OWWWWWWWWWWEEEEE! OWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Candace: (offscreen) (chuckles, then laughs out loud)

(still goes black and white, then the words "Awesome Thing" are written at the bottom)

* * *

(cuts to two girls looking bored playing with dolls)

Girl 1: This is boring! I hate my dollie!

Girl 2: I hate my dollie too!

(We hear a quacking sound, and the girls scream as a half ferret, half duck creature flies in)

Jingle: Take a ferret and a duck, and they turn into a F'Ack! It can fly through the air! You can even cut its hair!

Narrator (Vanessa Doofenshmirtz): Yes, F'Ack! Ferret meets duck! It's F'Ack!

Girl 2: My F'Ack's so cute!

Narrator: Go ahead! Give your F'Ack lips! F'Ack!

Girls: We love you, F'Ack!

Narrator: And now, F'Ack is for boys too! But wait! There's more! F'Ack makes a perfect gift for your moms! Granny and Grampa love F'Ack! F'Ack is perfect for teenagers too! Ordinary people tolerate F'Ack every day! Even your pets will love F'Ack! Anybody of any species can put up with F'Ack, temporarily! Put F'Ack in the trunk of your car and ignore it! Build a special room for your F'Ack so nobody can see it!

(Vanessa Doofenshmirtz holds a F'Ack)

Vanessa: And now, F'Ack's perfect for throwing away! (throws it in the trash)

Other Narrator: An Ichitech Toy.

(close up of F'Ack in the trash can, with some creepy special effects)

* * *

(cut to Candace holding a ringing iPhone)

Pest Control guy (Frank): County Pest Control, this is Frank.

Candace: Hey Frank! I've got a big problem. I've got bees.

Frank: 'Kay.

Candace: But the good news is: I want bees.

Frank: Heheh, that's funny.

Candace: Well, here's the thing.

Frank: Uh huh?

Candace: My brother Pestey-Cyde's birthday party is on Friday...

Frank: OK?

Candace: ...and I inherited, from my aunt and uncle, 2,000 bees the other day.

Frank: That's nice.

Candace: And here's what we wanna do.

Frank: Uh-huh?

Candace: I wanna paint on my wall, in honey, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PESTEY-CYDE, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. In honey, right?

Frank: Uh-huh..

Candace: So I'll release the bees in the room, and they all go form "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PESTEY-CYDE, I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

Frank: So, you brother's name is Pestey-Cyde?

Candace: It's short for Pestey-Cydeson

Frank: Pest..Pestey-Cydeson is his full name?

Candace: Pestey-Cydeson McClam.

Frank: (silent)

Candace: I'm just hesitant, 'cuz all of his friends are gonna be over, and I believe some of them might be allergic to bees, and I am pretty fed up with my brother butting into my business.

Frank: Hmmm...

Candace: So I wanna punish him in that respect.

Frank: Yeah...'

Candace: Right.

Frank: Right.

* * *

(Cut to a boy holding a F'Ack with creepy effects)

* * *

(Cut to Stacy)

Stacy: Epic Program, Candace.

Candace: Awesome Thing, Stace. Um, thanks for watching, and, um, I actually have a surprise for you. I've brought my mom along, and I think she's got something she wants to say.

Stacy: Ok.

Unknown woman: Yes, I do, sweetie. I wanna tell you that I love you very much, I think you are very talented and funny. You are the apple of my eye. You're the greatest. You've got your own show. (Stacy shakes her head) I'm proud of you! I'm so very proud of you.

Candace: Thanks, mom! (hugs her) Love ya tons!

Unknown woman: Love you too, Candace.

Candace: I love you. I love her.

Stacy: That's not your mom.

Linda: She's right. I'm right over here, honey.

Stacy: That's not even close to what Linda looks like.

Candace: OK, OK. I'm sorry. I messed up. (Microphone cord disconnects)

* * *

(Roll credits)

* * *

**Next Time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing: When Candace is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, Stacy gives her an ornamental doughnut, on the condition that she don't eat it. Can Candace keep her promise, or will she give into sweet doughnutty goodness? Meanwhile, Candace and Stacy write a jingle for Sour Patch Kids.**


	2. Episode 2: Friends

(A young woman (portrayed by Milly Konstantopolos), in a tank top, jacket, skinny jeans and sneakers, is kicked in the crotch by a smaller woman (portrayed by Mishti Patel))

Woman: OOOOOOH!

(She calls her insurance company)

Woman: Hello, Ichitech? Yeah, it happened...AGAIN!

(A female announcer, dressed in professional attire, portrayed by Mandy Thomas, starts speaking)

Announcer: At Ichitech Insurance, we create a plan specifically for you.

(Caption: Clam Insurance)

Announcer: It's called clam insurance.

(Caption: Low Premium 49.99.97/100¢/mo.)

(We see a clip of the young woman being kicked in her crotch several times)

Announcer: For a low premium of just under fifty dollars a month, you're guaranteed that every time you're accidentally hit in the clam...

(Two lawyers (portrayed by Ferb Fletcher and Buford Van Stomm) present the young woman with a check. The check says "ICHITECH INSURANCE, DATE: March 30, PAY TO THE ORDER OF: SALI FERTH [600.00] Six Hundred~00/00 etc.")

Announcer: ...you'll recieve a check for six hundred dollars. (back to announcer) Why don't you join today?

(back to young woman)

Woman: Thanks, Ichitech!

(lawyers shake their heads; woman frowns)

(ICHITECH INSURANCE GROUP logo appears)

Jingle: I-CHI-TECH!

* * *

(We then switch to a black background with two portraits of Candace Flynn and two portraits of Stacy Hirano, and two chairs. Candace and Stacy come into view)

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, from Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing! Here's Candace and Stacy!

(Both Candace and Stacy are wearing matching t-shirts and jeans. The T-shirts say "I'm with Crazy". Closeup of a portrait of Candace, then one of Stacy. Camera goes back to them. Close up of Candace's face, then one of Stacy. Another of Candace, another of Stacy)

Candace: He...(is cut off)

* * *

(The intro plays)

* * *

(Brick background with the caption "DOO DEE DOO DAH" Dance Instruction Tape for Teens)

(We see a woman with an afro (portrayed by Holly Freeman) dressed in disco duds. This is Claudette)

Claudette: Are you ready, guys?

(A female dancer (Stacy) nods, as does another (Candace). Both are in tank-tops, biker shorts, kneesocks and sneakers)

Claudette: (snap!) Doo dee doo dah!

(dancers dance)

Chorus: Doo doo dee dee doo doo doo dah dah.

Claudette: HAHAHAHAHA!

(dancers dancing)

Claudette: Now Slap Your hands! (Caption: Slap Your hands!)

(dancers clap)

Claudette: Now spread those wings! (Caption: Spread Those Wings!)

(dancers do a jiggy motion with their legs)

Claudette: Doo dee doo dah! Feather your bangs! (Caption: Feather Your Bangs!)

(dancers feather their bangs)

Claudette: Shake your buns! (Caption: Shake Your Buns!)

(dancers shake it)

Claudette (offscreen): That's nice! (on screen) Now think about your mom! (Caption: Think About Your Mom!)

(One dancer stares into space, the other thinks to herself)

Claudette: What's your mom like? (Caption: What's Your Mom Like?)

(Dancers do nothing)

Claudette: I want to meet that mom! (Caption: I Want to Meet That Mom!)

(Dancers look creeped out)

Claudette: Doo dee doo dah!

* * *

(image of Claudette spins away to an image of Stacy's college dorm. Stacy is in a t-shirt and leggings)

Stacy: (going through bills) Bills, bills, bills, bills, (looks at a letter) Oh, look at this. (Opens envelope) A card from my BFF, Candace! (Card: A Seasonal Wish. Note: It's March) Hahaha...(opens it)

Candace:

_Hello friends, _

_It's been a crazy year, hasn't it? As you all may know, I made Jeremy put in an above-ground pool in the backyard this year. You know how much I like to skinny-dip after a couple of margaritas. _

(Stacy laughs)

Candace:

_There's another thing I must tell you. I'm dying. _

(Stacy stops laughing; somber music plays)

Candace:

_They call it "crap tooth" and the doctors don't know what causes it, but, well, simply put, it's going to eat away at my teeth and my lower jaw. It's been an honor knowing all of you. Please, don't give me anything._

(Stacy starts sobbing)

Candace:

_Just...let me die in peace. _

_Love, Candace._

(Stacy lifts the letter up to reveal a picture of an almost toothless Candace.)

Stacy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

* * *

(We switch to the "The Only Known Married News Team" logo)

Narrator: And now, the only known married news team in the Tri-State Area, Victoria and Charles Hammerberg...

(picture of Victoria and Charles, portrayed by Candace and Stacy respectively. Mr. Hammerberg wears a normal news outfit and has a mustache, while Mrs. Hammerberg wears normal news attire as well. She has her hair in a bun)

Narrator: ...featuring Dr. Julie Kreebs (Portrayed by Jenny Brown) (picture of Dr. Kreebs along with the caption

"Celebrating 10 Years in Broadcasting!" Dr. Kreebs is in a professional pantsuit) Tonight, a special report (Caption: SPECIAL REPORT, with a picture of a car) on cars.

(car graphic drives by to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: Hello, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, with a special report on cool cars! (picture of a car appears to her right) This is the coolest assignment I've ever had! I love cars! I love to wat...

(BREAKING NEWS)

Dr. Kreebs: (recieves a flash card. She begins to look despondent; somber music plays. Picture of Mr. Hammerberg (Stacy Hirano in a mustache) appears to her right, with the words "Charles Hammerberg 1966-2015".) Newscaster Charles Hammerberg (voice cracking)...has passed away...(begins frowning. Tears begin to flow.) In a tragic waterskiing accident...

(We see Charles Hammerberg (alive and well) and Victoria Hammerberg (Candace Flynn) with the caption "Back Stage", shushing the cameras. Charles waves. This is obviously a prank.)

Victoria: He's still alive!

Dr. Kreebs: (Sobbing uncontrollably) I just have to say that my heart goes out to Victoria. (picture vanishes, while the Hammerbergs sneak up behind her. By now, Julie is inconsolable) I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT...I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HE'S GONE! (sobs) I LOVE CHARLIE! I LOVED HIM! God...can he...)

(Victoria whispers something to Charles, then surprise Dr. Kreebs)

Both: SURPRISE!

(Caption: GREAT DECADE JULIE, with festive graphics)

Dr. Kreebs: AAAAAAAAAH! (freaked out) OH CRAP! AHH!

Charles: Calm down.

Dr. Kreebs: WHAT!?

Victoria: Hey! We're congratulating you on your ten years in journalism.

Dr. Kreebs: Eegh!

Victoria: Dr. Julie Kreebs, congrats!

Dr. Kreebs: (crying) (unintelligible)

(The Hammerbergs go to hug her, but she pushes them away)

Dr. Kreebs: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!? (runs off sobbing)

(CAM 3 STANDBY STUDIO FEED)

(We see Dr. Kreebs against a wall)

Dr. Kreebs: AAAHHH! LEMME OUT!

(The Hammerbergs try to get her to calm down)

Dr. Kreebs: AAAAAH!

Victoria: Julie...

Dr. Kreebs: AAAAHHH! (spins around frantically)

(Celebratory graphics displayed again)

Victoria: Cut the graphics!

(Graphics disappear)

(Dr. Kreebs begins sobbing again)

Dr. Kreebs: I thought you were dead, Charlie! (cries) (Charles hugs her, and the Hammerbergs bring her to the ground. Charles covers her up with a blanket. Dr. Kreebs' crying begins to stop, while Victoria comforts her)

Victoria: Shhhhh! (patting her forehead) It's okay...

(Graphic: Get Well Soon!)

* * *

(We see a picture of a lootie holding a cup, a small cthulhulike creature)

Caption:

Squid Ink

reasonably priced

low acid

salted

30% less slime

* * *

(the lootie spins away as a graphic of an owl grabs it and flies away to Stacy's dorm. We hear some desperate music.)

(Stacy writes a letter)

Stacy:

_Dear Candace,_

_I'm terribly sorry about your tooth loss._

(Stacy pulls out some dough and rolls it into a ball. Then she puts a hole in it)

Stacy:

_It deeply, deeply hurts me to no end that I may never see you again. _

(She then puts the doughnut into the oven)

Stacy:

_I'm sending you this ornamental doughnut as a goodbye gift. _

(She then takes the doughnut out and puts blue frosting on it, with yellow frosting letters saying "Goodbye, dear friend")

Stacy:

_I can assure you, this doughnut will be extremely sweet and delicious, and most definitely edible._

(She rubs the doughnut against her face, then wraps it up and places a "DO NOT EAT" label on it")

Stacy:

_But I beg you not to eat it, as it's a symbol of our dying friendship._

_Love, Stacy_

(She looks up at a picture of Candace as a lifeguard from the ep. "The Lake Nose Monster". The camera zooms in to her eyes)

* * *

(Next scene: we see a clam fall onto the floor)

(caption on the upper-right screen: clam)

Narrator: Clam.

* * *

(Then we see a psychodelic "WHERE'S MY LOOTIE?")

(We see a herd of elk in Yellowstone National Park)

Stacy: Where's my Lootie?

(nothing)

Stacy: C'mon, Loot-loot! Tut-tut!

(nothing)

Stacy: C'mere, tut-tut!

(nothing)

Stacy: Please come out.

(We then see a Lootie sneaking up on one of the Elk. The camera zooms in, and a red circle is drawn around it)

Stacy: There's my Lootie!

(Psychodelic logo: THERE'S MY LOOTIE!)

* * *

(We see Candace and Stacy looking at a bunch of Sour Patch Kids on a table. Candace is wearing a Yellow T-shirt, skinny jeans, and sneakers, and has her hair in a ponytail, while Stacy is wearing a green T-shirt with the words "Gott mitt uns", with a pleated skirt, polka-dotted thighhigh stockings and boots. Her hair is normal).

Candace: So, they're Sour Patch Kids...

(Stacy eats one and puckers)

Candace: ...just basically sour, fruit-flavored...um...

(Stacy puckers)

Stacy: The tartness really stays with you!

Candace: Yeah. It's like gum. You can spit it out if you want.

(Black Screen with caption: Writin' a jingle)

Stacy: Sour Patch Kids: The fruity treats that are salty! (waves one up and down)

Candace: How are we gonna do this? (does same motion)

Stacy: It's gonna be animated, you know, CGI?

Candace:

_Patch, Patch, Patch your kids,_

_Gently on my tongue,_

(Stacy closes her eyes and rocks her head)

(Candace clears her throat)

Stacy:

_Salt, Salt, check it._

_Lick the salt up with your tongue._

Both:

_Give it to your friends_

_as a gift, _

Stacy: Gonna write down one word.

Candace: Change gears.

(Stacy pulls out a marker and writes on a red card "Fruit Brute")

Candace: You know what that makes me think about?

(Candace writes on a red card "Sour Patch Adams")

Stacy: Great! (They put their cards together)

Both:

Fruit Brute Sour Patch Adams!

Check yourself, at the door,

I want more, I want more!

I want more of your Sour Patch Kids!

Candace: That's pretty good! (high-fives Stacy). Let's get 'em on the phone.

(Black screen with caption. Pitchin' a Jingle)

Candace: (on the iPhone) Alright, well then, I don't know what to tell ya. (Stacy looks on) That's very bad news, Mrs. Rosenfeld, and I look...I hope you guys will make a better decision...next time. (Hangs up)

(Picture goes black and white with the words: Awesome Thing!)

Narrator: Awesome Thing!

* * *

(We see the sceen card for "Kreebs' Advice")

Narrator: It's Kreebs' Advice, with Channel 8's Dr. Julie Kreebs.

(camera goes to Dr. Kreebs)

Dr. Kreebs: Hello, I'm Dr. Julie Kreebs, with some more Kreebs Advice for ya. If you're raking the leaves and it gets all over your driveway, just hose it off, dumbass!

(Frame with her signature quote: "For your Body!")

Dr. Kreebs: For you Body!

* * *

(We see Candace and Stacy from the intro. Candace is holding a large trophy and grinning, while Stacy sits next to her, grinning as well)

Narrator: And now, once again, please welcome back to the stage Candace Flynn...(echo) and Stacy. Candace Flynn.

* * *

(Spins away to Claudette doing her dance again)

Claudette: Slap your face! (Caption: Slap Your Face!) (Slaps her face)

(Dancers slap their faces)

Claudette: Slap your friend! (Caption: Slap Your Friend!)

(Dancers slap each other)

Claudette: Get sexy, gals! (Caption: Get Sexy Gals!)

(One dancer does a seductive pose, but the other is hesitant)

Claudette: Doo dee doo dah! (waves her hands around) Stinks in here! (waving) Smells like eggs! (Caption: Smells Like Eggs!) Rotten eggs! (Caption: Rotten Eggs!)

(Dancers do the waving motion)

Claudette: Guys, why would you bring those rotten eggs in here of all places!?

(Dancers do nothing)

Claudette: Guys, you stupid motherf**kers!

(Dancers look peeved)

Claudette: What the hell is wrong with you, guys!?

(Claudette: puts hands up)

* * *

(Next scene: A clam falls onto the floor again, only drenched in spaghetti sauce. Upper-right caption: bloody clam)

Narrator: Bloody clam

* * *

(spins away to Candace's house, where Candace is sitting in front of a TV, laughing her butt off eating cheddar popcorn, with get well balloons around her. It's obvious that she's been lying about her "crap tooth". She's wearing a tank top with pajama shorts and socks.)

Candace: (her mouth full) HAHAHAHAH!

TV: Hello, Gobies. How are you this afternoon?

(candace puts bag of cheddar popcorn down)

Gobies: (on TV, voiced by Katie MacDonald) I could really go for a Mexican pizza...

(Candace changes the channel to Jamie performing "Rock and Rolling". Candace looks at the gift that Stacy got for her. It's in a box labeled "CANDACE FLYNN, 3133 SHAMAN AVENUE, DANVILLE, MD" along with the labels "DO NOT EAT". She opens the box and pulls out the doughnut in plastic wrap)

Candace: Do not eat. (unwraps doughnut and, despite Stacy's warnings, eats it anyway. As she begins to chow down, her iPhone rings. She picks it up.) No way... Hello.

Stacy: (wearing her pajamas, on her iPhone) Hey girl. How are ya feeling?

Candace: (lying through her teeth) Not good. I feel horrible. Crap tooth...hurts.

Stacy: I was actually calling to see if you got that package I sent over.

Candace: (looking at doughnut) Yup. Thanks a ton!

Stacy: You weren't...eating it right now, were you?

Candace: (hesitates for a second) No.

Stacy: It actually sounds like you're...eating a round pastry with frosting.

Candace: OK! I'M EATING YOUR DOUGHNUT! GEEZ! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL!? It's a doughnut, and you know I love doughnuts.

Stacy: CANDACE!

Candace: It's delish!

Stacy: Didn't you see the stickers all over the package!? DO NOT EAT!?

Candace: Yeah (nods)

Stacy: I made that specifically for you, girl. That was a symbol of our friendship. And that doughnut has got to be stale and moldy by now! You're eating a moldy doughnut!

Candace: (sniffs it and looks shocked. Deathly music plays) (mouth full) Oh crap.

(Claudette appears on her TV, with the Caption "Channel 8 Cares "Claudette". Candace watches.)

Claudette: Guys, you've gotta keep your food ice cold! I know you like your balogna soft, but if it gets too warm, it's gonna spoil and start to stink the place up! And I know you don't want that. So c'mon! Do it for me!

(Candace spits out the pieces of doughnut she was eating)

Claudette: Keep that food cold, and chill out!

(Caption: "CHILL OUT")

* * *

(Pictures of Vanessa, Jenny, Isabella, Eliza, Candace, and Katie with sausages in their mouths)

* * *

(Back to the intro scene)

Stacy: What with that other thing?

Narrator: Candace and Stacy

(Both look into the camera, and Mishti kicks Stacy in the crotch)

Stacy: OWWWWWW!

(Candace looks on, amused)

Stacy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (drops to the floor) OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

(Candace looks on)

* * *

(Credits roll, with the Sour Patch Kids Jingle that Candace and Stacy made being sung)

* * *

**Next Time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing: Candace has learned a new magic trick, but unfortunately, it lands her and Stacy in hot water. Meanwhile, Lucy Michaels returns home from her summer abroad with some new avian powers in "Macaw Maiden"**


	3. Episode 3: Parrots

**In this episode, Candace learns a new magic trick that runs her into some problems. "Teen Break" shows the youth that it's okay to stand up while they pee. Consuela Martinez (Isabella) teaches potential Cheese Thieves employees the best cheese thieving techniques. Candace draws free portraits at the Midsummer Festival. Lucy Michaels (Adyson) returns home from her summer abroad with newfound powers in Macaw Maiden.**

* * *

(A hand picks up a handful of cheese squares)

Narrator: IT'S CHEESE THIEVES!

(Melted cheese is poured from a spoon; Caption: $3.99)

Narrator: The new and exciting way to enjoy noodles, meat, and cheese!

(A hand picks up a cheese cube from a bowl with an award ribbon on it)

Narrator: Our award-winning cheese makes the perfect match for our wheat-ground pasta and our dry-killed meats.

(Cheese is poured on both noodles and meat)

(We see a graphic showing the moisture taken out of the noodles and meat)

Narrator: Trust me, we've taken all the moisture out, so you need lots of that wet gooey cheese!

(Cheese poured onto noodles, then played in reverse)

Narrator: No good thing comes easy...

(We see a young woman (Wendy Park) dressed as a thief. An arrow points to her with the caption "professional cheese thief")

Narrator:...that's why we've hired professional cheese thieves to try to steal the cheese right off your table.

(We see a little animation of a cheese thief trying to steal cheese, and struggling with a hand)

Narrator: Watch out! Guard your cheese!

Patron (Monty Monogram): Screw you, cheese thieves!

Jingle:

'Cuz there ain't no

sherrif here at

cheese thieves!

(Picture of the store with caption

Now Hiring

Managers

Pasta Cooks

Cheese Thieves)

* * *

(We see Candace and Stacy sitting in a couple of chairs. Candace is wearing a black T-shirt with the words "Imhotep" written in red, with blue skinny jeans and crocs, while Stacy is wearing a T-shirt over a striped long-sleeved shirt, a plaid miniskirt, harlequin thighhigh stockings, and sneakers. Caption: Candace &amp; Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing! Picture warps)

Candace: Hello, welcome to our show. I'm Candace Flynn. (gestures to Stacy)

Stacy: Hey, I'm Stacy Hirano. It's so great to be here.

Candace: Hehe. How was your weekend this, this weekend, Stace?

(Camera goes to Stacy)

Stacy: Not so well, Candace.

(Camera goes to Candace)

Candace: I get it.

Stacy: (offscreen) (sigh)

Candace: I get it.

(Camera pans to both of them)

Candace: Um, I actually picked up a pretty freaking awesome, uh, you know, magic trick this weekend.

(Camera goes to Stacy)

Stacy: Really?

Candace: (offscreen) Yeah.

Stacy: Can we do it here right now?

(camera pans to both of them)

Candace: Of course! Here we go (closes her eyes)

Stacy: Hmm

(Candace transforms into a hyacinth macaw)

Stacy: (bewildered) Uh. (Camera zooms in on her face) Wha...? (claps)

(Camera pans to both of them)

(Candace transforms back into a human)

Candace: Haha...

Stacy: (gasps) Well?

Candace: TA-DAH!

Stacy: That's in-f**king-credible!

Candace: Well...

Stacy: How did you do that?

Candace: Ah, it's actually very...

(Candace transforms into a macaw again)

Stacy: (confused) Uh,

(Candace briefly transforms back into a human, screaming, only wearing her blue bra and checkered panties, then transforming back into a macaw. Stacy does a beckoning motion to get the macaw to come to her.)

(Camera zooms in on Stacy)

Stacy: (whispering) Candace, Candace!

(Macaw Candace climbs all over the chair)

Stacy: (offscreen) Candace!

(Camera pans to both of them)

(Candace briefly transforms into a miniature version of herself in her bra and panties screaming, then back into a cat)

(Camera zooms in on Stacy)

Stacy: (does some chirping and squawking noises)

(Macaw Candace flies off)

Stacy: Jim...(shakes head)

* * *

(Intro plays)

* * *

(Logo: Channel 8 Teen Break)

(Candace is wearing a baseball cap, a Vote for Pedro T-Shirt, and black skinny jeans, while Stacy is wearing a backwards baseball cap, a striped polo, and blue skinny jeans. Candace occassionally pulls her jeans down to illustrate points, and sometimes shows checkered panties. Candace and Stacy wear sneakers. Candace wears a ponytail, while Stacy wears pigtails. Candace is outside the Girls' Bathroom. Stacy is inside. We then go to Candace, who is standing with her jeans half down, with her back facing the wall, panties showing, and apparently, standing up in front of a toilet. She is looking back.)

Candace:

_I stand up when I pee!_ (Caption: I stand up when I pee!)

(close up of Candace's face)

_There's nothin' that crazy 'bout me!_

(zoom out)

_I'm just taking a wiz, _

_just mind your own biz_ (Caption: Just mind your own biz)

_Why is everybody always staring at me?!_ (question marks appear)

(Candace is dancing outside of the stall, while Stacy walks out from behind one)

Stacy:

_Hey Yo!_ (Speech bubble: Hey Yo!)

_I've gotta go!_ (Speech bubble: I've gotta go!)

_Lemme go! I gotta go #2!_ (Caption: I GOTTA GO #2!)

(Close up of Candace)

Candace:

_No can doo!_ (Caption: NO CAN DOO!)

_I'm takin' a pee!_ (Caption: I'm takin' pee!)

(zoom out of Candace in front of the toilet with her jeans down)

Candace:

_Standin' in front of the loo,_ (Caption: STANDIN' IN FRONT OF THE LOO,)

_Havin' a good long wee!_ (Caption: HAVIN' A GOOD LONG WEE!)

(goes to Stacy)

Stacy:

_Are you standin' up?_

(goes to Candace)

Candace:

_I'm standin' up! _

(goes to Stacy)

Stacy:

_There's no one around? _

(goes to Candace)

_Candace: There's nobody around! _

(Goes to Stacy)

Stacy:

_Are you making cherry tea? _

(Goes to Candace)

Candace:

_Just lemonade._

(Goes to Stacy)

Stacy (confused):

_But are you standin' up?_

(Back to Candace standing up with her pants down facing a toilet)

Candace:

_I'm standin' up! _

(Stacy breakdances)

(Stacy looks into Candace's stall)

Stacy:

_Why can't you sit_

_Like a regular gal? _

_You can pee perfectly_

_anyhow! _

(goes to Candace standing near the toilet)

Candace:

_If you really wanna know_

_why I'm standin' fast._

_I just can't stand_

_infectin' my ass! _

(covers up her pantied ass with her hands while a cross-out graphic appears over it)

(Stacy shakes her head. The two then dance outside the girls' room with the caption "PAID FOR BY VOTER INITIATIVE PROP 532". Candace shakes her pantied ass in front of the toilet and claps, then she, still with jeans half down, then twerks with Stacy. Candace then pulls her jeans back up.)

* * *

(We see Stacy holding Macaw Candace on her arm)

Stacy: I need you to come back right now. (looks into camera)

* * *

(Logo: CT: CHEESE THIEVES...PRESENTS...TAPE #782 NAB THE CHEESE thieving techniques)

(Clip zooms in, and we see a young latina woman (played by Isabella Garcia-Shapiro) dressed in a fanciful dress and her hair in a bun. This is Consuela Martinez)

Consuela: Hello, thieves. My name is Consuela Martinez, (faces camera) and not too long ago, I was in the same position as...you are now. About to become a proud cheese thief. (faces second camera) Those were the good old days. (faces other camera) HAHAHAHAHA! (laughter plays back and fourth) As you know...

(We go to a shot of three cheese thieves in training watching her video)

Consuela:...Your mission is to steal as much of our...

(Goes back to her holding a cheese wheel)

Counsuela: ...award-winning cheese (switches to other camera) from as many customers as you can (puts cheese wheel down and eats a cheese square). (Pan shot)

Consuela: The key to becoming a good "Cheese Thief" is to keep yourself in peak physical condition. (camera switch) Because you'll be required (shot of her waiting on the floor with a blanket) to wait in a stealth position for hours (shows her exercizing) crouching (rolling), lingering, hovering (bending her knees), you're gonna need to creep up on the other customers (back to her) So when you go in and SNAP that cheese up from the customer's table, you'll be prepared.

(Graphic: STOP TAPE NOW (stop sign) TRY PRACTICING YOUR OWN CROUCHING TECHNIQUES)

(One of the robbers leaves)

* * *

(Caption: Phineas Flynn tries to reason with "Macawndace".)

(Phone ringing)

Phineas: (over the phone) Candace, are you alright? Sis?

(Macawndace looks around, squawking)

Stacy: I'm sorry for interrupting you, Phineas. It's just that she's actually a real hyacinth macaw. I don't think she understands you.

Phineas: (Over the phone) What do you mean she's a macaw?! Like a macaw lady?

Stacy: She's a freaking hyacinth macaw! You know what a parrot looks like, right? A pet parrot? She looks like a blue parrot.

Phineas: (over the phone) Here pretty Candace-birdie!

(Macawndace is on a perch, looking around)

Stacy: Lootie!

Phineas: (Over the phone) Who's a pretty birdie!

("Birdie" is then mixed back and fourth with Macawndace bobbing her head up and down, and the minature Candace comes back briefly)

* * *

(We are at the Midsummer festival, and Candace is sitting with an easel. She is wearing a tank top and shorts and sandals. Her hair is in a side ponytail)

Candace: What's up?! Anybody want a free portrait?!

(She holds up a sign saying "FREE PORTRAITS")

Candace: Free portraits!

(Caption: Portrait of a True Artist)

(People walk past her)

(Candace frames an African American woman with her hands)

Candace: You want eyes?

Woman: Yes.

Candace: OK. (draws) Whoops! I forgot to do your nose!

(Candace is in the middle of the crowd)

Candace: WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Anyone want a free portrait?!

Candace: I've never drawn an alien before.

(A Tauttiyi (played by Yar Tavdhladleklwa) points to the portraits)

Tauttiyi: Then why do you have a picture of a Nitarikit there?

Candace: That's a crow! I can draw crows easy!

(Candace is standing in the crowd again)

Candace: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Does anyone want a free portrait?

(Candace hands an African American woman a picture.)

Candace: For you.

Woman: Thanks.

Candace (talking to another woman): OK, I can do that.

Woman: I don't have any ears!

(Candace is drawing a picture of a man)

Candace: Do you wear glasses?

(Man shakes his head)

Candace: Want a pic of you wearing glasses?

(Shakes head)

Candace: 'Cuz I just started doing a lens here, and you have only one mouth, so I'll just do one mouth.

(Candace is in the crowd again)

Candace: (screaming)

(Zoom in of Candace's drawing: A wierd man saying "I LOVE YOU, MANNY!")

(Caption drawn on: Awesome Thing!)

Narrator: Awesome Thing!

* * *

(Commercial)

(We cut to a shot of a neighborhood, where a girl (played by Adyson Sweetwater) gets out of the car. She's wearing a jacket, tank-top, skinny jeans, and boots. Caption: Channel 8: all new series)

Narrator: Coming this fall, Channel 8 Thursdays are about to get even more tender.

Lucy: My name is Lucy Michaels, and I've just finished my summer abroad, but it's good to be back home. Something wonderful happened to me while I was away (enters her house, and her two brothers, John and Ron Michaels (Played by Buford van Stomm and Ferb Fletcher), come into view. They both wear sweaters and khakis.), something I hope my two big brothers will understand. (They both hug and kiss her. Caption: Starring Ronnie and Flonnie Barleys. And Adyson Sweetwater.) These are my brothers, John and Ron. They raised me after our parents died in a big wreck. (They take turns holding her and playing around) I love them very much. (They pray before having dinner and clink glasses of wine)

Lucy: (to her brothers) Brothers, I have something very special to show you.

Narrator: From the magicians that brought you "Swingers" and "Swingers 2: Swingers on Patrol" (She stands on a chair and turns into a macaw) and the wizards behind the genius of 4D technology. The Morgensen Group in association with the Barleys Brothers presents: a new kind of drama.

(Caption: Macaw Maiden)

Narrator: Macaw Maiden

(We see the brothers holding a macaw. Caption: and introducing Penny. Caption: Channel 8 thursdays this fall)

(Fades to black)

* * *

(Flash of light, with bizarre images)

* * *

(Caption: TAPE #790 BONUS FEATURES)

(We then see Consuela Martinez eating a hunk of cheese)

Consuela: (faces camera and burps) (burp!) I'm Consuela Martinez.

(Thief does a cut)

(We see Consuela on the floor. She isn't happy)

Consuela: The lighting is crap!

(Thief drops a bomb)

Consuela: Cheese! (silence) CHEESE! (motions to someone to take their headphones off) Get those off! (silence) There's a lot of noise, a lot of chatter. CHATTER! Not cheddar! (looks around) Is there cheddar?

(Thief drops a hammer)

Consuela: These are trained military veterans...

(Camera cuts to a thief leaving)

Consuela: Trained (repeats several times) Trained military veterans.

(Consuela is blindfolded)

Consuela: Those were the good old days.

(Cut)

Consuela (on the phone): Hi, Sally! (silence) Ugh! Doing this stupid thing. (silence) (laughs) You're kidding! (silence) When?! (silence) Hehe, yeah, I'll call you back, that's wierd, but I'll call you back (hangs up). Her cousin was murdered.

(Thieves in Chinese clothing carry a gong, a thief almost hits the gong, but all three are crushed by a panda)

(Cuts back to Consuela, who's combing her hair, with her autograph: Keep thieivin'! Consuela Martinez)

* * *

(We see a picture of a hyacinth macaw, then " - Cute $7.00 obo. Then a sign

MACAW FOR SALE

(Hyacinth)

(Picture of Macawndace)

"Candace"

Likes to squawk

Sits on perches

(Almost) House Trained

Cute

$7.00 OBO

SHirano )

(We see Stacy holding a covered cage with the caption: Re-enactment using actual actors and actresses. Stacy knocks on a door, and an old lady comes out.)

Stacy: Here she is.

Old lady: Awwwww...my new birdie!

Stacy: Hehehe..She's a really good girl. (puts cage down) I just can't care for her anymore.

Old lady: Aw. What's her name?

Stacy: (hesitates) It's Candace. (Voice cracks) She used to be my best friend. (Begins having memories about Candace, like Candace being in a tree with Stacy, laughing, with the song, "That's what Friends Do" playing in the background. Caption: Actual footage. Stacy and Candace dance in some leaves. Stacy and Candace play in a shopping buggy. Candace drinks from a water fountain. Stacy smiles.)

(Tears flow down Stacy's face as she shakes her head. She then breaks down sobbing. Just then and there, Candace turns back into a human, albeit in a bra and panties. Stacy and the old lady are shocked)

Candace: Ugh! Squawk!

Stacy: Yay.

Candace: AAGH! OW!

(The old lady and Stacy look at her)

* * *

(We are in Danville Park, and Candace and Stacy are singing while walking through the park. Candace is wearing a T-Shirt and shorts and shoes, while Stacy is wearing a tank-top and shorts and sandals)

Candace:

_Well I'm glad _

_I'm not a macaw_

_no more! _

Stacy:

_ Yeah, that trick_

_you learned could_

_use a little work_

_I'm sure._

Candace:

_But I've got a li'l trick_

_that I'll think you'll love!_

Stacy:

_I don't want_

_another trick_

_that I think I'll love!_

Candace:

Watch me!

(Candace's legs grow long, as do Stacy's)

Candace:

_Well, my legs are long!_

Stacy:

_Yes! Our legs are long!_

Candace:

_And my legs are long!_

Stacy:

_Yes, they're very, very long!_

Candace:

Wow, Stace! Can't you believe how high we are?

Stacy: (looks nervous)

Ehhh...Ehhhhh! (feigns a smile)

Moon (played by Wendy Park)

_You gals are doing great! _

Candace:

_Thanks, Moon! _

_'Cuz our legs are long! _

Stacy:

_Yes, our legs are long!_

(They unknowingly crush thousands of people to death and half of Danville with them with their large feet)

* * *

(Credits roll)

* * *

**Next Time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program Awesome Thing: Candace and Stacy give lessons on how to make Anime. Meanwhile, come to Julie and Jessie D'Amicco's Monkey-Clown Imporium and Monkey-Clown Shoe Shop!**


	4. Episode 4: Nekho!

**In this episode of Candace and Stacy: Epic Program Awesome Thing!, Julie and Jessie D'Amicco (Candace and Stacy) advertise their monkey-clowns and monkey-clown shoe rental services. Django Brown and his puppet Philip sing about the Guhlamin and meeting in the light, and explain the meaning of "Nekho!". Stacy and Candace give a seminar on how to build a successful Slice of Life Anime writing career. Candace and Stacy's assistant, Sally, presents them various numbered nerdy boys in "Here He Is." **

* * *

(We see a blonde-haired New Jersey-esque Italian-American woman (played by Stacy Hirano wearing a bleach blonde wig) dressed in a tight-fitting short-sleeved blouse, very skinny jeans, and high heels. Her hair is in a weave. Next to her is the caption "JULIE D'AMICCO'S MONKEY-CLOWN OUTLET)

Julie D'Amicco: Hello, and thanks for choosing Julie D'Amicco's Monkey-Clown Outlet.

(Description says

Why not?

Parties

Special Events)

Julie D'Amicco: Why not use our monkey clowns for your next party or special event? It's a fact! (Caption: Washed, Diapered) Our monkey clowns are washed and diapered daily! And no monkey clown comes without fake plastic doo-dee (poop graphic)! My monkey clowns never take breaks! (Graphic of human adaptor) Now you can rent a human adaptor to bring that monkey and/or ape clown to a regular person's eye level! Our primates are soft to the touch! They're soft to the touch!

(Caption: DID YOU MAKE A MESS?)

(Julie's store: COSTUMES 50% OFF!)

Julie D'Amicco: Did you make a mess of our monkey clowns? Bring 'em back dirty! We'll hose 'em off! Now we've made returning your monkey clown even easier! (Graphic of a car throwing a monkey into a dumpster. Booth: ALL NIGHT CLOWN DROP. DRIVE THRU. PLACE CLOWN INSIDE BIN) Just use one of our many, many of our D'Amicco Monkey Clown Express Drop-Off Booth! If ya don't like that, I've got cookies!

(graphic of a scantily clad man and woman)

Julie D'Amicco: D'ya have a discreet adult party that you need monkey-catering for? USE MY MONKEYS!

* * *

(Intro Music plays, only ending with "Nekho!" instead of "Awesome Thing!")

* * *

(Stacy is talking into a microphone. She's wearing a t-shirt under a jacket, skinny jeans, boots, and has her hair in a ponytail)

Stacy: Hi, I'm Stacy Hirano, and welcome to my show!

(Candace appears from behind the camera. She's wearing a long-sleeve shirt under a t-shirt, shorts, striped kneehigh socks, and crocs. Her hair is done up in pigtails)

Candace: (into mike) Our show. Candace Flynn, reporting.

Stacy: Hey, Candace, how are you?

Candace: Uh, good. Sorry I missed college this week. I guess we don't have a show. We can probably jus..

Stacy: Actually, I have a surprise for you. Um, I stayed up all last night, and I made the show on my own.

Candace: Well, (hesitates) lemme just sign off on it and we'll throw in the mix.

(Stacy holds up a large disc reading "Stacy Hirano's Epic Program Awesome Thing")

Stacy: It's right here. (Throws it into the computer)

* * *

(We see Django Brown, who's now dreadlocked and goateed, and he's got a special guest with him: one of his puppets, a duck puppet named "Philip")

Django: Today, we're gonna teach you a lesson that we're not alone in the universe. There are sentient beings that are living among us, and they are from another..uh, star.

Philip: Tell me the name of them critters.

Django: My favorite species is called the Guhlamin. They're an insectoid race.

(puppet nods)

Django: When they say hello and goodbye, they say "Nekho".

Philip: Nekho?

Django: Yeah, I just made up a song about it!

Philip: Can I learn that song?

Django: Sure can! Let's do it.

(Music plays)

Django:

_Go into the light,_

_until we meet again._

_That's what the Guhlamin_

_say again and again._

_Knowledge is power._

_It grows like a flower._

Philip:

_Go into the light,_

_until we meet again._

_That's what the Guhlamin_

_say again and again._

_Light years and light years._

_Try not to shed_

_no tears._

_Nekho!_ Nekho!

Django:

_Nekho._

Philip:

_Nekho._

Django:

_Nekho._

Philip:

_Nekho._

Django:

_Nekho!_

Philip:

_Nekho._

Django:

_Nekho!_

(Creepy pause and a look at Philip the creepy ventriliquist's dummy)

Django: (yawns) Thank you. (waves)

* * *

(We see Julie D'Amicco again. Caption: OFFICIAL ENDORSEMENT)

Julie D'Amicco: HI! I'm Julie D'Amicco, and I officially endorse my sister Jessie D'AMicco's Monkey Clown Shoes Outlet! (Caption: JESSIE D'AMICCO'S MONKEY CLOWN SHOES OUTLET) LOVE YA, JESS!

(We see Jessie D'Amicco (played by Candace wearing a blonde wig) wearing a faux leopard-skin jacket, miniskirt, and thighhigh high heel boots. Her hair is done up in a beehive/bun weave. Like her sister, Jessie is also tan-skinned. Her Store signs: IM JULIES SISTER. RENT YOUR SHOES HERE.)

Jessie D'Amicco: I LOVE YA, JULE! I love my sister, Julie, but I'll tell ya one thing: (shows graphic of a monkey clown with dirty feet) Her monkeys don't come with shoes. You ever seen a monkey clown without shoes? It's disgusting! Don't get your monkey clown shoes from any other outlet. IT'S DISGUSTING! We specialize in Big-Top, Round-Toes, Aquarium, Wrestling, Magic Laces, Velcro, High-Tops, Multicolored, Single-Toe, Rim-Lace, Mirrored, X-Tra Comfort, Utility, Late Night, Erotic, and Sand-colored shoes. (Picture of both the sisters' stores with a cartoon finger pointing to Jessie's store) I'm located right next to my sister! I LOVE YA, JULE!

Julie D'Amicco: I LOVE YA, JESS!

Jessie D'Amicco: We love each other!

Julie D'Amicco: I LOVE YA, JESS!

Jessie D'Amicco: I LOVE YA, JULE!

Julie D'Amicco: I LOVE YA, JESS!

Jessie D'Amicco: I love ya, Jule. I wish ya the best!

Julie D'Amicco: I love ya, Jess.

* * *

(Caption: Here He Is)

(We are in what appears to be a wedding chapel, and Sally (played by Charlene Doofenshmirtz) is walking with some nerdy boy down the aisle.)

(Candace and Stacy are holding microphones. Both are dressed in bridesmaid outfits.)

Candace: Here he is...

(Close up of the nerdy boy's pimpley face)

Stacy: Here he is...

(Close up of another geek's face)

Candace: (looking at Stacy) Here he is...

(Close up of another)

Stacy: (making clicking noises) Here he is...

(Sally looks happy as she walks a nerd down the aisle)

Sally: (whispering) Don't be nervous.

Candace: Here he is...

(Sally gives the nerd a number. Then she claps gestures the the two to proceed. Candace and Stacy nod in agreement.)

Candace: Thank you very much, Sally. Stand aside.

* * *

(We see a picture of two skyscrapers with the words "CANDACE &amp; STACY")

(Caption: The Candace and Stacy Center Headquarters)

(Picture zooms away to reveal the following)

(Candace and Stacy's Center for Entertainment presents: "Making it" in Funimation. (Bottom) The entire seminar series now on BluRay.)

(Some guy, played by Stacy Hirano's father, appears)

Jun Maedaru: Hi. I'm Anime writer/director/voice actor/comedian Olivier Stones, and my career was in the hamper until I signed up for the Candace and Stacy seminar for how to "make it" in Funimation.

(List goes by, including the altered names of many Anime series, such as "Cuttlefish Girl, Sailor Planet, Minami-Ko, Kill la Gull, Precute, Sgt. Toad. etc)

Narrator: Thousands of Anime series have used the valuable tools available to you at the Candace and Stacy Center for Entertainment and Internet Technology.

(Caption: Lowering expectations)

(Candace is standing in front of a chalkboard with the word "WELCOME" written on it. She is wearing a professional business outfit)

Candace: So, how many people here have parents who have told them in the past that they're talented or creative or have potential?

(A few students raise their hand)

(Stacy is also wearing a professional business outfit)

Stacy: No. (shakes head)

Candace: No, not at this seminar, guys.

(Caption: Internet safety)

Stacy: How many people delete their entire internet history every week so their boyfriend or girlfriend don't think they're going on porn? (Raises hand)

(Caption: Getting ahead)

(Chalk: SLEEP your way to SUCCESS)

Candace: How many women do we have here today? Besides us two. Can we have a count?

(5 women raise their hands)

Candace: (counting. Stacy does as well) Keep your hands up.

Stacy: Keep 'em up!

(finish counting)

Candace: Now, the power positions at Funimation are almost entirely controlled by men, as they should be. But we women can use our powers of seduction, our sexuality, to further our own careers. (Stacy shines a laser light at one of the women) I'm gonna give you a quick example. One of my college classmates took the opportunity of her boyfriend's success and capitalized on it. (Stacy does sexual moves) Privately. Behind his back.

(Caption: Using accents)

Candace: (using an Australian accent) Hello, mate. Welcome to my billabong!

(Stacy is laughing while recording this on her iPhone)

(Caption: One on One Extreme Knowledge Adventures (For Female Students))

Stacy: I do trips to Baja. Down south. Get some ATVs. Two-seaters. In the front. (does impressions while the students write stuff down.) Here comes the jump! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Candace looks behind.

(Caption: Candace and Stacy's Center for Entertainment presents "Making it" at Funimation)

(Candace and Stacy bow several times)

Candace: Thank you very much

(Philip and Django appear and bow as well)

* * *

(Candace is in her dressing room, with an assistant tending to her hair. She is laughing, along with Stacy)

Stacy: Your hair's looking great, Candace.

(They all laugh together)

(Candace winks into the camera. It then freezes to black and white with the words "Nekho!")

(Caption: Cake Decorating)

(Graphic: Man and a Woman holding a cake made like the Norwegian national flag, along with a miniature Norwegian flag.)

(Caption: Flagmanship)

(Graphic: A man holidng two Norwegian flags)

(Caption: Body painting)

(Graphic: Man with a Norwegian flag painting on his back)

* * *

(Candace and Stacy appear to have mike problems)

Stacy: Uh, Jorge? (taps the mike while Candace gathers all the cords)

Candace: (holds up an unplugged cord) Here's the problem right here. It's not connected to the camera. They're just lying on the floor. (Stacy begins to pull up the cords)

Stacy: Jorge!

(Jump cut)

Stacy: (mike too loud) ONE TWO, CHECK! ONE TWO, CHECK!

Candace: (mike too loud as well) ONE TWO, CHECK! ONE TWO, CHECK!

* * *

(Caption: AUNT TULIP'S VARIETY HOUR)

(We then see Jamie (Candace) singing.)

Jamie:

_BANG BANG! Cops and Robbers!_

_BANG BANG! Robbers and Cops!_

_BANG BANG! Rob that bank!_

_Put 'em in jail!_

_Put 'em in jail!_

(Her sister (Stacy) is dressed as a policewoman)

(Caption: Jamie and her Sister "Happy poult")

(Jamie's looking nervous and eczemic as usual)

Jamie:

_BANG BANG! Cops and Robbers!_

_BANG BANG! Robbers and Cops!_

_(Jamie's sister also appears dressed as a thief)_

_BANG BANG! Rob that bank!_

_Put 'em in jail!_

_Put 'em in jail!_

(Jamie begins to gulp. Her sister pokes her robber self. Jamie begins to cry)

Jamie:

_BANG BANG! Rob that bank!_

_Put 'em in jail!_

_Put 'em in jail!_

(Her sister shakes her head)

(Jamie throws up)

(Caption: Aunt Tulips' Variety Hour)

* * *

(Candace and Stacy are still dealing with their mike troubles)

Stacy: Look at it. We'll be done in, like, 5 minutes.

Jorge: I think we can get it fixed.

Stacy: OK.

Candace: OK.

Stacy: Fair enough.

Candace: We ready?

* * *

(screen warps back to the "Here He Is" segment)

(Sally is still walking nerds down an aisle)

Candace: Here he is...

(Close up of nerd)

Stacy: (does kissing noises) Here he is...

(Sally does some gesturing and clicks, as do Candace and Stacy. She hand the geek a number. Candace and Stacy nod at each other)

Sally: Here they are, ladies. I hope you like 'em all!

(Pictures of said nerds light up)

Stacy: 034.

(A very nerdy pudgy spetacled boy is chosen)

(applause)

Candace: Come up.

Stacy: Come here, sweetie.

(Sally does a freaky grin)

(Candace and Stacy are shown dancing with no. 034. Vanessa appears from behind a pew. She is wearing a black dress with black gloves.)

Vanessa (singing):

Here he is,

My warrior.

My shining statue.

(Candace and Stacy kiss on him)

Vanessa (singing):

He sits upon

the cloudtops.

(signing that she doesn't like what she's singing about)

Singing through

the night.

Here he is...

(Sally dancing)

Here he is...

(Nerd looks uncomfortable as Candace and Stacy kiss on him)

* * *

(We see Django sitting under a sign saying "BluRay FOR SALE" while holding DVDs, while Stacy holds up a rather large disc. Django yawns)

Stacy: Excuse me. Um, Candace didn't like this, so I need to return it right now.

(Candace walks up)

Candace: (To Django) Hiya. (to Stacy) I changed my mind. The DVD is great, so let's go. Nekho.

All three (bowing) Nekho. Nekho. Nekho. (Applause) (Phillip bows too) Nekho X 20.

(Stacy throws the disk into the air)

Django: What was that? Was that a disc?

* * *

(Credits roll)

* * *

**Next time on Candace and Stacy: Epic Program Awesome Thing! Tyler's secret love for his cruel boss reaches boiling point. Meanwhile. Candace has trouble pulling up her skinny jeans. Primarily because a certain Japanese-American woman put wacky glue in them.**


	5. Episode 5: Thickie

**In this episode of Candace and Stacy Epic Program: A dulcimer group plays a song about fish. Tyler's secret love for his mean boss finally reaches a boiling point. A new Ichitech toy, "K'lam", is advertised. Deidre Labien interviews Johnny Tyles about his new film, Gold Vessylz. Vicky performs ventriloquism with her potty-mouthed dummy, Melanie, with Linda Flynn-Fletcher on the drums. Stacy pulls a prank on Candace involving skinny jeans.**

* * *

(A Band is playing hammered dulcimer music. A young woman (played by Candace Flynn) wearing a red dress shirt, and red business skirt appears playing a dulcimer. Another young woman (played by Stacy Hirano) wearing a piano jacket, skirt and boots, appears playing a dulcimer as well. They play for 6 minutes)

Musicians:

_Fish!_

_Fish!_

_Fish!_

_Fish!_

_Fish!_

(Yellow Lip, Canefish)

_Fish!_

(Diamond fish)

_Fish!_

(Wheel fish, sand fin)

_Fish!_

(Helmet fish)

_Fish!_

(The helmet fish make contact, get hurt and vomit)

* * *

(Intro music plays)

* * *

(We see a brown-haired mustachioed geeky-looking man, Tyler, in a work suit (played by Stacy Hirano in men's clothes and wearing a fake mustache.) working in a cubicle. Then, a blonde-haired woman, Mrs. Rhonda Jakovsky, dressed in a CEO's skirt and suit (played by Candace Flynn) walks up to him. )

Mrs. Jakovsky: Tyler.

Tyler: (looks up at her) Hi, Mrs. Jakovsky.

Mrs. Jakovsky: How are ya doin'?

Tyler: I'm pretty well, thanks.

Mrs. Jakovsky: You're lookin' real good. Real cute.

Tyler: You look good, too.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Hell, I'd like to take you home and snack on ya tonight. (looks at him seductively) You are turning me on right now.

Tyler: Th...Thank you, I've had a haircut.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Ooh! You look good 'nough for a session! Huh?

Tyler: Th..That's my dream, ma'am.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Tell ya what. Why don't I take ya back to my office so I can take care of that for ya? Ya know what I'm saying?

Tyler: Yes!

Mrs. Jakovsky: Oh yeah? (spills her coffee on him) What, are you crazy? You're a minnow! YOU'RE A MINNOW! Comprende?! (walks away)

(Tyler wakes up from his dream)

Tyler: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Tyler is depressed that he's a skinny nerd. He begins to beat himself up. He gets up and looks in the mirror, which is surrounded by pictures of Mrs. Jakovsky. He licks one of them.)

Unknown Voice: GET RIPPED!

(Tyler gets a piece of paper and a sharpie, writes down the words "GET RIPPED, TYLER!" on it, and tapes it to his mirror. He then turns on some music and begins to work out, doing sit-ups, jumping jacks, weight-lifting, bike riding. He falls off his bike in the process. After a week, he begins to show some muscle. He jumps for joy. The picture freezes and the words "We did it!" appear.)

* * *

(We see a middle-aged couple playing field hockey.)

Narrator (Vanessa Doofenshmirtz): Have you wasted a whole day playing a game of field hockey? Now there's K'Lam! (we see what looks like a cross between a crab and a clam). K'Lam combines the scuttling of a crab with the sliming of a clam to create the only field hockey balls that slowly come back. First, hit your K'Lam, watch it soar to about a half-mile away. When it lands, its crab legs will extend, and K'Lam will begin his long trek home.

Man: Time for work!

Narrator: While K'Lam sluggishly returns, you can spend your day paying bills, register yourself online, plan tomorrow's work, sort some coins, repay old bills, call your brother, stare, stare, moisten your fencewood, reposition your doorknob, dig a hole to bury a box, and K'Lam is still crawling, so sweep your lawn, offer your husband a drink, destroy a pornography collection, and when K'Lam crawls back, hit it again, and get even more work done!

Man: Thanks for letting me get my work done, K'Lam!

Narrator: K'Lam! An Ichitech toy.

* * *

(We see stars in the background, along with the captions "Gold Vessylz" and "Johnny Tyles". A golden ship flies by and crashes. A man with what looks like a gun is walking through the field with two others.)

Man: That meteor must have landed around here somewhere.

(An alien (actually Johnny Tyles dressed in Nitarikit-face) appears and babbles)

Man: Stand back! Stand back! Uhhhhhh...

(Alien babbles)

Woman: What is it?! (screams)

Man: Probably a Dreg Beast from out of Snar Ikemtai. I've seen monsters like this before.

Alien: Act scared! Aaaagh!

Other man: Stand back. (fires)

(The alien puts some foam on the ground, then falls onto the ground. The man shoots him several more times. The screen the goes to a bespectacled woman in a sweater and dress. This is Deidre Labien (played by Vanessa Doofenshmirtz).)

Deidre (reading from cards): Hello, and welcome to Channel 8: Looking at Movies. (looks nervous) CUT! My guest is a local director, Johnny Tyles, (We see Johnny Tyles (Irving wearing a fake beard; Caption: Johnny Tyles Director: Gold Vessylz) and the film is a science fiction fantasy film. I love movies. (attempts to shake hands, but notices she's holding the cards) Is this your second film that you made? It says that you made two films.

Tyles: Yeah.

Deidre: Is it the first or second?

Tyles: Uh, this would be the second.

(Deidre looks confused)

Tyles: This is..this is the second film I've made.

Deidre: Let's get that squared away. When a movie is made in France, it's called a cinema. How come that's different? (eats popcorn)

Tyles: Uh...

Deidre: (sticks hand out) I love movies. (shakes hand with Tyles)

Tyles: Alright.

(Deidre smiles)

Tyles: You gonna show a clip or?

* * *

(Back to "fish" song)

Musicians:

_Fish!_

(Pole eel, No-Touch fish)

_Fish!_

(Hole fish)

_Fish!_

* * *

(We then see a woman, Vicky, dressed in a fancy dress (Candace) holding a small puppet, Melanie, (Stacy) also wearing a fancy dress)

Vicky: Hey, Melanie, what are you doing this weekend?

Melanie: Well, Vicky, I'm doing what I do every weekend. I'm going to the club, I'm gonna get crazy drunk, and I'm gonna get my freak on with some fellas!

(Linda Flynn-Fletcher drums)

(Audience laughs)

(Close up of Melanie's face)

Vicky: Alright! It's time to get you back in the box.

Melanie: But that's what the guys want, Vicky!

(Linda drums)

(Audience laughs)

Vicky: I mean back in the hole.

Melanie: Exactly!

(Linda drums)

(Audience laughs)

Vicky: Thank you! Good night!

Melanie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Linda claps)

* * *

(We see Stacy holding a pair of skinny jeans, putting what looks like super glue in them. She's wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and thighhigh stockings. She's also got her hair in a ponytail.)

Stacy: I'm Stacy Hirano. This next prank's called "Crazy Glue Jeans". Candace has trouble putting on jeans sometimes and gets pissed off because of it.

(Candace, wearing only her "Z" t-shirt and checkered panties, takes the jeans (which have been switched by Stacy beforehand), sits down on the bed, and slides them on. When she pulls them up to halfway around her thighs, like this ( art/Candace-a-Strugglin-521497466?q=gallery%3AYarTavdhladleklwa%2F9848892&amp;qo=173), she begins to struggle a little bit)

Candace: Always stuck half-around my thighs...typical...(looks at thighs) But that's the thing! I'm not overweight!

Stacy: (in the closet) Any second now...

(She gets up, and tries to pull them up)

Candace: Damn...These are tight.

Stacy: (in the closet) Here it comes...

(She then begins to struggle quite a lot, eventually becoming annoyed)

Candace: GRRRR! PULL UP, YOU F**KING JEANS!

Stacy: (from the closet, with Eliza, Vanessa, and Mandy) Hehehehe...

(Candace then tries to pull them off again, but they still remain stuck)

Candace: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K! F**K!

(Stacy and the girls jump out of the closet)

Stacy: HAAHAA!

Candace: EEEEEEEEEEEEK! F**K!

Girls: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Candace: F**K YOU!

Girls: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Candace: F**K YOU ALL!

Eliza: F**k us? No! F**K YOU! HAHAHAHAHA!

Candace: GET OUT OF HERE! EEEEEK!

(Candace becomes nauseous)

Vanessa: SHE'S GONNA PUKE!

Eliza: THUNDER THIGHS! THUNDER THIGHS! THUNDER C**T THIGHS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Candace begins to sob)

Candace: (voice cracking) Go...please?

(Candace walks down the hall crying. Her pants are still half-down her thighs. Somber music plays).

* * *

(We see the credits to "Gold Vessylz" wrapping up.)

(Credits: Scored by Johnny Tyles. "Vessyl Buddiez Ballad" Written by Johnny Tyles. Performed by Johnny Tyles. Gold Vesslyz was a Tylesterz Production.)

(The screen goes static, then we see a behind the scenes clip)

Man: They were created as uh, a part of the, uh...

Tyles: Kiggan Experiment! (knocks a prop down in anger) CUT! IDIOT!

Man: I was saying...

Tyles: NO, YOU WEREN'T! GODS! MAN, ARE YOU RETARDED?! Are you retarded? (man shakes head) You're not?

(We cut back to Deidre and Tyles)

Deidre: Was that the director's cut.

Tyles: That was not a part of Gold Vessylz. That's not part of the story.

Deidre: Oh! Sorry. (looks at cards) In the movie scene where you get angry and yell at the other performers...

Tyles: That's not part of the movie though. That's the thing you've gotta understand.

Deidre: I saw it.

Tyles: Gold Vessylz is a contained story.

Deidre: I saw it.

Tyles: The part where I...That part was not meant for your eyes.

Deidre: I liked where your character was yelling. I dunno...

Tyles: Cut. Just cut.

Deidre: Your acting...

Tyles: That's not part of the movie. I'm not yelling. It's not part of Gold Vessylz. It was "on the cutting room floor" type stuff

(Deidre shakes her head and gets up. The camera then goes to a plant in the corner)

* * *

(Mrs. Jakovsky is talking with her associate Sheena (played by Milly Konstantopolos)

Mrs. Jakovsky: Right, I'll be out Thursday and Friday. I'm getting the ears professionally cleaned.

Sheena: Oh. That's a good move.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Yeah.

Sheena: Worth every penny.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Well, it has gotten very infected in there...

(Tyler walks up to them)

Sheena: Well, now, who's doing it for ya?

Tyler: Mrs. Jakovsky? This is for you.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Tyler. (looks at him) You're looking...fantastic! Come in here! (puts hand on chair) Come in! Sit down!

Tyler: Hi, Sheena!

Sheena: Tyler. (Moves over for him. He sits down)

Mrs. Jakovsky: Wow! What have you been doin', Tyler? You on a diet or somethin'?

Tyler: Just...taking care of myself.

Mrs. Jakovsky: (puts hand on his wiry chest) This is just how I like it! God! Good 'nough for a session, right?

Tyler: Yea...yes. A..are you serious?

Mrs. Jakovsky: I'm very serious. Say what? Why don't you come by my office in a couple hours and work it.

Tyler: Yes, I..(Mrs. Jakovsky spills coffee in his face. Then Sheena breaks an entire coffee pot on his head)

Mrs. Jakovsky: WOAH! SHEEN! WHAT THE F**K?! (Sheena sits down) WHAD'YA DO THAT FOR?!

Sheena: I, uh...just fel...I got a little out of hand, and I'm very...

Mrs. Jakovsky: I love ya, honey, but you screwed up royally!

Sheena: I...what?!

Mrs. Jakovsky: WHAT D'YA MEAN "WHAT?!" YOU JUST WHACKED HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A COFFEE POT! I LOVED HIM! ALRIGHT!? You screwed up royally. Comprende? (sigh) '

(The image freezes and Mrs. Jakovsky walks into view)

Mrs. Jakovsky:

_Sexy man,_

_I love your body._

_You make my blood _

_boil down inside._

(Zooms down into her mouth, where Tyler is singing)

Tyler:

_Well, I've got to tell you._

_I don't think my muscles _

_will come right up._

Mrs. Jakovsky: That's alright, honey. I love you just the way you are.

Tyler: That means a lot to me. Thank you. I love you, ma'am.

Mrs. Jakovsky: Come on over here. I wanna give you a French kiss.

(They French)

Mrs. Jakovsky:

_GET A SESSION ON!_

_A SESSION ON!_

_GET YOUR SESSION _

_RIGHT ON YOUR RIDE!_

Tyler:

_I WANNA GET _

_MY SESSION ON!_

_A GOOD_

_SESSION ON!_

_I WANT A GOOD SESSION _

_ON MY RIDE!_

Chorus:

(x2)

_Look at them,_

_They're so in love!_

_I bet they'll _

_French kiss all night long._

_I wish we knew_

_which stick he's gonna_

_poke her with. _

Mrs. Jakovsky:

_TONIGHT! _

_TONIIIIIIIGHT!_

* * *

(Credits roll)

* * *

**Next time on Candace and Stacy Epic Program: Are Candace and Stacy gonna be replaced? Meanwhile: The Snake Girls go a clubbing...with the help of Sushi and Vodka.**


End file.
